New Year.. Still me

As another year begins, it is natural to reflect on the previous year.   For me, 2017 was the year that I regained confidence in my health status and learned to trust my body again. It took me four years this time to recover but it makes me cherish the feeling of good health all the more.   Of course my mother passing away so suddenly was the sting in the tail for the year.  I found the lead up to Christmas more difficult than the actual day itself. It was certainly different, tears were shed but our family gathered Christmas night and somehow the sadness was not as intense when we were together. Strangely I felt quite at peace over the holiday period and am attributing this to the bit of religion I have. I attended more religious ceremonies than usual this year and feel that some Higher Power supported me through this difficult time. I am still waking up at night thinking of my mother and think of her constantly through the day in everything I do.  All normal feelings I guess.

I’m sure I am like many fellow breast cancer people in that I began to dislike the New Year after diagnosis,  never knowing if the following year would be when the cancer returns.     I am also mindful that, for some, the cancer has already returned and the fear is that the treatment will stop working.   Whatever stage we are at, there is that small little voice whispering anxiety-inducing words in our ears.   It is not easy to quell those thoughts as they are very real.  Thankfully over the years that fear has lessened somewhat for me, I suppose the fact that I did get a recurrence and that I am still here!    For now anyway,  I don’t live in dread so much anymore, my only fear is not living my life the way that I would like and the feeling of having “wasted” a year when time is so precious.   So I don’t have too many resolutions this year and any that I do have are all about maintaining my good health and having a fulfilling year ahead. Of course this year will mark five years since my recurrence, which as you can imagine was impossible to even hope for in 2013. I am still nervous of even speaking about as I am afraid I will jinks my good fortune!    I am also going to be fifty this year, an age I never thought I would see when first diagnosed at 31 years old. So I face this year with gratitude and hope, tinged with the sadness of a bereavement.

Warmest wishes to everyone for this New Year and I sincerely hope that you will achieve any resolutions you made and if you don’t, do not worry about it and  have a wonderful, joyful year ahead!

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